ugh

I miss riding. For real this time, too. I mean, it kinda sucked last summer and while I was at school, but I think after 18 months it finally hit me that I don't really have anything anymore. There is Marvin, but I don't ride him enough to make it worth my while. Besides, I think I'm allergic to that barn, but that's an entirely different story. And this isn't the kind of missing riding that you can get over after a few days of hacking a friend's horse while he's away on vacation. It's the kind that breaks your heart and makes you clean all your tack and organize your trunk, just because you haven't done it in so long whereas it used to be a daily routine. It's the kind that makes me consider transferring someplace back home so I can ride. And I hate myself for saying that, because I absolutely love everything about school and I know it'll do great things for me. But I want to ride.

I regret not being more selfish while I had the chance. Sure, in the long run it made me more mature, and it made me a better rider, but it makes me so damn upset knowing that I could have done more if I'd pushed hard enough. I'm not happy with how it turned out, how I turned out. Nobody wants to be a second year amateur who could ride the pants off half the juniors doing the equitation, but who never had the shot at the 3'6". But that's me. The nice girl who put out perfect rides every day, but still couldn't get a fucking shot in hell at anything.

What kills me is that nobody reading this will get it. You'll say you get it, but chances are you won't.